I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
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I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I supernannyed him into submission
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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