Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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