Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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