watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
