My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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