the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
