my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
