franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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