I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
