I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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