did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
