Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
