she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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