I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
