i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
