you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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