I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
