I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
