Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
