I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
This couple is walking their pig around campus
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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