I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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