Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
