I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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