My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
