just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
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