i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
