I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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