3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
