i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
