apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Randomize
