We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
