I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
