And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
God, I missed his penis.
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