Jerry, you need to find god
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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