the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
