She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
this just has baby written all over it
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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