She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
