He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
