You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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