Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
