plz talk dirty to me
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
