i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
