Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
