I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
