Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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