Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
