hotel room ftw
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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