That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
