he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
