FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
