Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Pants are for mortals
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
