I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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