Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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