he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So much rum. So many feels.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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