You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
