My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
