I'm gonna have a badass scar
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
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