just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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