brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
